Since I started reading Dr John E Sarno’s book, I am beginning to suspect I have TMS. TMS is not a disease or illness. A name for the syndrome discovered by Dr Sarno for those whose emotional strain/stress cause their brain to deprive certain part of the body with oxygen and hence causing pain.
On the day of the alleged injury/day of worsen pain, I was not even practicing “dangerous” yoga poses. It was as simple as Sun Salutation flow and Wheel pose for my backache.
As I reflect, I remembered the Saturday before I was surprised that I had no more pull on my left leg, no pain in the back and no knee pain. So I thought I have recovered completely and had such a good workout in the hot flow class. A 3-4 days later, the pain surfaced and I attribute it to my home yoga practice. I have a positive MRI disc showing a huge bulge (my orthopedic calls it Slipped Disc).
I was shocked but I went into a “I am going to journal my recovery” and “I am going to be strong”. Basically my life revolved around my injured poor back. I felt physically and mentally weak and almost see myself as a disabled person. Someone who cannot do this and cannot do that. My partner would help me with many things i.e. mopping of floor, carrying of bags. I became so cautious I forgot how to move naturally. I felt sad that my life changed, no more hot flow yoga I looked forward to. It was painful in the morning and painful if I sat for too long etc.
When someone asked me how I got injured, I attributed it to the day I did my home yoga practice and possibly a weak unbalanced back (ever since my chiropractic treatments – that is another story) and a poor lifting habit for the past 30 years. But really? Are these the reasons? I am not convinced. If I do not get backache with a pinched nerve, I do not believe my nerve is a single bandwidth, why would there be huge pain from this?
And hence I suspect it is something psychological and emotional causing oxygen deprivation to parts of my body causing tension and pain.
I have decided to go on this journey into my unconscious.
I believe that my body is perfectly fine and strong. It is definitely not the reason why my muscles are in spasm or back feeling pain or pain referring to my legs. My body has always been so strong, flexible and able to heal.
I seek to dig deep.